I'm here to ask
As you'll soon see --
Did you grope
Miss Lewinsky?
Did you grope her
In your house?
Did you grope
Beneath her blouse?

I did not do that
Here or there --
I did not do that
Anywhere!

I did not do that
Near or far --
I did not do that
Starr-You-Are.

Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek
Beneath her skirt?

And did you tell
the girl to lie
When called upon
To testify?

I do not like you
Starr-You-Are --
I think that you
Have gone too far.

I will not answer
Any more --
Perhaps I will go
Start a war!

The public's easy
To distract --
When bombs are
Falling on Iraq!

Among the House side of the Dirty Thirty--ranging from mouthy but obscure back-benchers all the way up to new Speaker-apparent Bob Livingston--are at least two Representatives who have been caught employing prostitutes, two alleged serial sexual harassers, four who covered up knowledge of felonies in the Iran/contra scandal and six who have attempted to use their influence to win favor for convicted criminals. And that's just the current Congress.

Since 1971, at least thirty-nine members have been convicted and gone to prison. Only a handful of transgressions--like Newt Gingrich's cruelty to his critically ill first wife--are well known. Here are queries for a few other members of the Impeachment Militia. (Some of these cases are detailed in Stanley Hilton and Anne-Renee Testa's new bipartisan field guide from St. Martin's, Glass Houses: Shocking Profiles of Congressional Sex Scandals and Other Unofficial Misconduct.)

Sexual Harassment
Dick Armey (R-Texas): Do you admit or deny that as an economics professor before entering Congress, you sexually harassed female students, as reported in the Dallas Observer? The claims involve as many as eight female students of Prof. Armey, and the university's disciplinary investigation was terminated when Armey quit to go to Washington. Ever wonder why Armey hangs so far in the background on Zippergate?

John Peterson (R-Pennsylvania): Do you admit or deny sexual harassment and hostile-work-environment claims by six women? (Peterson: "I may have been an excessive hugger.")

Foreign Funny-Money and Campaign Finance
Dan Burton (R-Indiana): Do you admit or deny that in 1997 you accepted illegal contributions from Sikh temples and from Zaire's reviled despot Mobuto Sese Seko, returned only after negative publicity? Do you admit or deny that you tried to extort a sizable donation from a lobbyist for Pakistan?

Tom ("The Exterminator") DeLay (R-Texas): Do you admit or deny that in 1995 you drummed up Congressional support for an easing of anti-dumping regulations sought by a Mexican cement company for which your brother was the lobbyist?

Jay Kim (R-California): Do you admit or deny that between 1994 and '96 you received $230,000 in illegal contributions from South Korean corporations? Oops, you've already admitted it in a plea bargain, which is why you're wearing that electronic ankle bracelet and why your wife calls you "the most crime-committing person I know." You were defeated in a Republican primary, but if Hyde stays on schedule you'll still get to vote on Clinton's impeachment, ankle bracelet and all.

Helen Chenoweth (R-Idaho): Do you admit or deny that in 1994 you accepted illegal campaign contributions originating in Hong Kong? And do you admit or deny that you failed to disclose $50,000 in under-the-table financing for your 1994 campaign, delaying an admission of fault until one day after the House deadline for filing ethics complaints?

Bill McCollum (R-Florida): Do you admit or deny that you paid your top Washington aide $100,000 in ethically dubious "consulting fees" for campaign work?

Obstruction of Justice
Would-be Speaker Livingston (R-Louisiana), McCollum, Hyde and Bob Stump (R-Arizona): Do you admit or deny that you were informed by Robert McFarlane of illegal contra funding, as documented in Oliver North's diaries, making you accessories?

There's a lot circulating about Livingston that's too hot to print, for now, at any event. Let's see next month...

Moral Leadership
Bob Barr (R-Georgia): Do you admit or deny that though you were the principal sponsor of the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act, you've sustained two divorces and are on Wife 3? That your wives nos. 1 and 2 each had to resort to legal process to compell your payment of child support and alimony? And do you admit or deny that at a celebrity fundraiser in 1992, you licked whipped cream from the fully exposed breasts of two women on your campaign staff? This is evidently "family values" from the source. A major Georgia paper's still tinkering with a story on it, in any event.

Burton and J.C. Watts (R-Oklahoma): Do you admit or deny you spent years covering up your out-of-wedlock children? (Watts motto: "Character is simply doing right when no one is looking.")

Ken Calvert (R-California): You've said, "We can't forgive what occurred between the President and Lewinsky." Do you admit or deny that you were caught by police in 1993 receiving oral sex from a prostitute and attempted to flee the scene? That you lied about it repeatedly when questioned by the police? Do you admit or deny that even though you are a principal water-carrier for the Christian Coalition, you've been sued as an alimony deadbeat by your ex-wife?

Henry Hyde (R-Illinois): Never mind that five-year "youthful indiscretion" that started at age 41. Do you admit or deny that while on the board of an S&L, you were sued by federal bank regulators for participating in decisions that cost taxpayers millions, even as you served the S&L industry's interests in Congress? And Henry's such a champion of consistency. Perjury by Oliver North was "understandable and excusable" when it was a series of flagrant, calculated lies under oath to Congress aimed at thwarting foreign policy legislation, but lies by a president about a sexual daliance was "unforgivable" and "warrant the severest sanction available."

Should the indictment of President Clinton move to the Senate:
Strom Thurmond (R-South Carolina): Do you admit or deny that facts appear to corroborate the story that you fathered an African-American child whom you supported while you were your state's segregationist governor? Do you admit or deny that your staff calls you "The Sperminator"?

The Dirty Thirty make the current Congress a community with a lawbreaking rate roughly four times that of the general population. Twenty-three of the Dirty Thirty are Republicans, suggesting that GOP politicians are a decidedly at-risk population: three times as likely as Democrats to commit legal or ethical violations (or at least three times as likely to get caught). This record of fungible ethics provides essential context for the impeachment machine clanking into motion.

In the words of Mark Twain: "Congress is America's only genuine criminal class." � The Nation 11/30/98

The controversial re-fellating, which, under the terms of the court order, will involve the full participation of both Lewinsky and the president, was described by Senate leaders as a "regrettable but unfortunately very necessary" move.

"This trial is not about sex, it's about perjury," Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott (R-MS) said. "Our job is to determine whether or not the president lied under oath. Although the Starr Report contained many detailed descriptions, until we see for ourselves, with our own eyes, exactly what took place during these secret rendezvous between the president and Miss Lewinsky, we won't have all the facts necessary to determine if the president's statements before the grand jury constituted a crime."

In addition to fellatio, Lewinsky and Clinton will be required to reenact several other key sex acts in which the pair allegedly engaged, including but not limited to: deep or "French" kissing, under-the-sweater fondling, and vaginal penetration with various objects.

Responding to outraged Clinton defense lawyers, who denounced the reenactment as "a blatant attempt on the part of political enemies of this administration to humiliate the president," chief prosecutor Rep. Henry Hyde (R-IL) insisted that it is necessary to ensure a fair trial.

"How can we rule objectively in this case without all the details? Yes, we know that the president inserted a cigar into Miss Lewinsky's vagina, but just how many inches of it did he manage to work all the way up inside there?" Hyde asked. "What were their exact facial expressions at key moments of ecstatic release? To what extent did Miss Lewinsky's ample bosom bounce to and fro as she vigorously bobbed her head up and down? Precisely how much of the president's erect penis was Miss Lewinsky physically able to force deep into the back of her throat? Was there gagging involved? Were the president's balls, at any point in the proceedings, licked? If we do not explore every possible detail of these shocking improprieties, we will never know the answers to these vital questions of national security.

"If president Clinton has any respect for the Constitution and the citizens of this nation," Hyde added, "he will cooperate fully in these proceedings and allow himself to be sucked off with calm, reserved dignity, without resorting to partisan name-calling. Nothing less than the very future of our country is at stake."

More controversy is expected Friday, when Senate debate is scheduled to begin on the issue of whether the crucial cocksuckings will be televised. Though Clinton defense lawyers are fighting to have the reenactments performed in a closed-door session, most senators are demanding that they be included in the regular televised broadcasts of the trial, citing the imperative of the public's "right to know."

"If, as the president says, he is innocent of perjury, with nothing to hide, he should have no reason to fear providing full disclosure -- including full frontal nudity, if necessary -- before the American people," Sen. Phil Gramm (R-TX) said. "As elected officials, we have taken a solemn oath to serve the interests of those we represent. If we fail to provide the public with the whole truth -- no matter how sordid, depraved, perverse or even vicariously titillating it may be -- we have failed in our duty to the people of this nation."

In the event that television cameras are allowed, as is expected, complete coverage of the presidential fellating, as well as related "second-" and "third-base" sex acts, will be aired live on C-SPAN. Highlight footage of particularly critical segments, such as genital/anal contact and ejaculation, will also be broadcast on all the prime-time network newscasts.

Due to the enormous public interest in the scandal, as well as the ease of global dissemination via television and the Internet, footage of the Senate-floor coupling is expected to rank among the most widely seen in history, with near-constant re-airings on cable TV likely to last well beyond the year 2015. Many Americans are expressing alarm over such a prospect.

"How am I supposed to explain to my six-year-old daughter that the president is fucking some girl's mouth on TV?" asked Lorraine Sanders, associate director of Do It for the Children Foundation and a staunch presidential-penis-penetration opponent. "For God's sake, she's only a child. An innocent child!"

"This trial is not the sort of thing our kids should be exposed to," said concerned parent Judith LaFleur, who is leading a campaign to place content-warning labels on federal legislators. "Watching the president get his cock feverishly sucked is for mature, responsible adults only."

Despite the public outcry, those legislators who are demanding the re-blowings remain adamant that the proceedings be televised uncensored and in their entirety, calling it "a matter of ethics."

"This may be the most important issue ever faced by Congress in its 210-year history," Hyde said. "We are talking about the possible removal of the highest elected official in the land, and that is not the sort of matter that should be trivialized."

But the problem remained, exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great meditation and discussion, they finally got it right.

THOU SHALT NOT COMFORT THY ROD WITH THY STAFF.

Entry # 1

  There once was a gal named Lewinsky
  Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
  'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
  on this flute made of beef
  that stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Entry # 2

  Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
  We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
  Since you look such a mess,
  use the hem of your dress
  And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Entry # 3

  Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
  what Kaczynski must surely have known:
  that an intern is better
  than a bomb in a letter
  given the choice of how to be blown.

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and the subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and the subsequent catastrophe.

TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line.
CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr Lawyers.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.

TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
CLINTON VIDEO: In one part, Bill enjoys a good cigar.

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
CLINTON VIDEO: During ordeal, Monica's dress gets ruined.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill teaches Monica to spit.

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica forced to return her jewelry.

TITANIC VIDEO: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill Clinton is wildly popular.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack goes to an icy death.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary